Friendships - IRON COUCH

Friendships

This article will talk about one of the two friendships most of us have in life—friendship without romance. Then, I will compare friendship in two different cultures and hypothesize why friendships don't last. Moreover, discuss a couple of ways to deal with problematic friendships. Finally, the article will finish with a recipe for long-lasting friendships.
In my view, friendships are underrated. My new book (work in progress) is about the two forms of relationships a majority of people have throughout life; romantic relationships and good friends. Friendships differ from culture to culture. If I talk about the two cultures I'm most familiar with, the Swedish and the Israeli. Many Swedes could be described as "a bit cold." and displaying emotions is rare. Moreover, it is a strict hierarchy of how individuals are treated and considered. For example, not to attend a friend's parent's funeral. Neither invites good friends to their child's wedding isn't unusual. Furthermore, workmates are usually not on the guest list for a colleague's wedding. These examples are not empirically validated, just what I experienced and knew about the Swedish people. Why is it like this? It has to do with the culture and mentality, treating and categorizing people differently, and being politically correct. First, there are family and relatives and then friends and colleagues. Israel has a different "friendship culture" compared with Sweden. Due to the mandatory military service after high school, boys do three and girls two years. It forms deep, many times lifelong relationships. You have friends for life, even after the service you meet (if you are a male) every year for about three weeks to do reserve service, into the late thirties depending on your civil status. In Israeli society, people rely on their army buddies; they call them up if they need help. Israel is a small country. Even though one doesn't know everyone, society is built on connections and favors (which contributes to a high level of back-scratching and corruption). As an outsider coming to Israel, I have had a different experience. I have had some Israeli friends in the past who behaved like excellent friends after knowing them for only a short time. In different ways, it didn't work out. I felt I couldn't trust them. It most likely could be related to our diverse cultures, and from my side, having high standards on how a friend should behave. The bottom line is that what I write extensively in my book is about communication, commitment, and effort, which most people differ tremendously between romantic and friendship relationships.
Friendships change during the life span. Sometimes it is just about growing apart. Occasionally, it is about one side who doesn't keep up their part of the relationship, meaning being busy and thinking less about keeping in touch even though things happen with no bad intentions. What I experienced and believe is more common than people realize is when "the third" person enters the dyad between old friends and intentionally or unintentionally puts a wedge between them. The "third party" is a romantic boy or girlfriend who might become a spouse. When this happens, the friendship might suffer tremendously because if the friend has to choose between upsetting the longtime friend or the spouse, the friend draws the short straw most of the time (I'm talking about after the in-love phase, which usually lasts for about six months.). Exemptions are if the person is strong and make it crystal clear to their spouse that "Jamie is like family, I hope you don't have a problem with that?" I know this is wishful thinking and have a feeling it seldom happens. It all depends on the personalities involved in this triangle drama. If a man or woman marries a dominant partner who becomes jealous of the friendship and wants their spouse exclusively to themself the friendship might be doomed. Usually, the submissive spouse conforms to the wishes and demands. I have experienced the above and couldn't accept being demoted to an "acquaintance" when the dynamic changed. What is interesting with this type of family constellation is that (usually) the passive partner doesn't want to argue and only has friends left who are "approved" after a while. Sometimes these behaviors are based on deep psychological issues or/and marrying a woman/man like their mom or dad who might be dominating or submissive. It never leads to an honest and healthy relationship. Moreover, a family dynamic is far from a suitable environment for children to grow up in.
All friendships are not deep. There are different levels, and problems occur when the dynamic changes and one part isn't okay. The real test of a friendship is when we settle down and get married in our late twenties or thirties. You have to decide what kind of friendship you want, causal, intermediate, or deep. There is usually no big issue if you want a deep friendship and notice your new friend is only looking for a casual one. You change the expectations or go your separate ways without investing much energy or time. The big problem occurs if the dynamic changes after 5, 10, or 20 years as discussed. One part changes how they want to have the friendship, and the other continues to think everything is as usual. The change usually happens gradually and unconsciously. The former typically have gone through life-changing events like a romantic partner or the birth of a child. One can argue why this happens, was the commitment never as deep in the first place? Or have the priorities changed? It is very complex. It isn't easy to prevent this from happening. The main thing we can control is being the best friend we can be. If we feel during a period, for example, the next six months I can't be an as good friend as I want because of x and y we should tell our friends that. Self-awareness! By doing that, we explain, which is highly appreciated. And most likely, our friends will ask if they can help out in any way. If you are like me and think friendships are of great importance, you might sometimes feel your friends are unwilling to put in as much effort as you. That is fine, most of the time. We all go through cycles in life. You might reach a breaking point, though, when the friendship annoys and creates frustration to a much more significant degree than it gives you positive feelings and joy. Then it is time to evaluate, but first, you bring it up with your friend in a non-accusing way. Talk about how YOU feel and wish you two could spend more time, etcetera. You have two options if you have done this three times during a 1-2 year period without any changes. You accept the ways things are/have become, or you call it a quit. The risk here is that you hope for a change that won't happen, and you drag it out too long. In this article, I briefly discussed friendships and some of the issues that could complicate the relationship and what to do to solve them. A recipe for long-lasting, deep friendship is to treat it as a marriage, you can argue and disagree, but there are certain things you do and some you do not do. If you do "the don'ts," it is in big trouble. The key thing is hard work to grow and flourish, like a marriage.
I wish you long-lasting and happy friendships. Chris ironcouch.com