In the two previous parts we discussed your weight and how you dress. This is the third and last part which we will address how you smell.
I’m a big fan of the sitcom, The Big Bang Theory, in one of the episode the main characters Sheldon and Leonard had had a fight and Sheldon interviewed a new potential roommate. He asked, “Right now, do you smell better, worse or as average as you generally do?
Think about it, if you see a woman, she doesn’t need to be 26 and beautiful in a classical way but she is dressed nicely. You notice it and look twice, right? You do think this a woman who take care of herself, she makes an effort. We’re not talking about the neurotic type with heavy make-up who wouldn’t go outside without spending two hours getting ready. No, a woman who likes to feel good with some nice clothing. If you would get close enough to this stranger and you felt a bit of fragrance coming from her. A swift of a nice smelling perfume or body lotion. This would definitely make her even more attractive, right? Why?
When I studied acupuncture at university we had a lectures by a neurobiology professor. He said the reason we react so strongly to smell, good and bad is that many parts of the brain has smell receptors, neurons which register smell and send it to other parts of the brain which make us aware of the smell of roses all the way to the other side of the spectrum, stinking farts.
During the eighteen hundred century the French culture influenced the upper class of other Europeans and if you wanted to show class you spoke French and dressed like the French aristocrats. You also used a lot of perfumes, more and more because for some reasons people didn’t think it was necessarily to shower. To mask the growing b.o. they squirted a lot of perfumes, can you imagine the blend of those to contrasting scents?
Imagine the above woman, with a bad b.o. You would immediately feel and think negatively about her. A nice smell of cologne or stink from b.o. it makes a huge difference what we think about a person. That’s human, the way we are hardwired. Do you smell nicely(most of the time), use an aftershave, a body spray in moderation or do you stink? It is a balance if you use too much “smell good” products you stink as well. Let your better half have swift at you to see how much is too much.
Get your personal smell and stick with it, it will be a part who you are. You get what you pay for. And from now on your family and friends always could get you “your” aftershave if they run dry on ideas what to get you as a Christmas or birthday present.
To sum up. If you improve this three areas of your appearance on top of pulling your weight at home; cleaning, do laundry etcetera it will not only improve your relationship it may also become a more passionate and affectionate one. Guaranteed!
2. Your Clothes
In the last post i talked about your weight and here I will address the way you dress.
Most of us don’t live in a nudist community. We need to put some type of clothing on. Do you dress the same as you did when you were twenty-one? A friend of mine who basically dresses as he was homeless, tagged along with another friend when he went shopping. The guy bought a jacket for $1100 and my friend said “that’s as much as I’m spending in ten years on clothes.” It’s probably true. Nothing wrong with it but “the book” gets judged by it’s cover and to read it again, and again (have sex) it could be nice to change it, to a more exciting one.
Like it or not, people judge the book by it’s cover. How do you dress? Do you have a job without dress code? Maybe you work in construction or at a hospital. Are you daily “uniform” a 10 year old t-shirt and a pair of old jeans or do you prefer to dress like Patrick Jane in The Mentalist, a three piece suit even if you don’t have to? Probably not. You might feel comfy to look like a Russian mobster, and wear a track suit. Not long ago my dear friend’s wife I mocked him because of his hobo looks. She said to him spontaneously “When you dress up it tingles in my stomach.” It tingles in my stomach, hm in other words, the turn on meter is rising.
Of course you shouldn’t wear cloths you don’t like but let it grow on you, slowly. Why not dress differently from time to time. Not the same staying home, going shopping or going to a party. Change, you can do that without being a snob. It’s a whole spectrum between hobo and snob. It just takes a bit of effort and people will start to notice.
Start out by buying couple of quality shirts, a blazer. Warning, if you don’t know where to start; material, style, colors bring a buddy with taste to help you out, or your wife. Begin to wear the new cloths when you going out with your wife for shopping or dinner. Dress up when you meet your pals for a beer or coffee. You’ll be pleasantly surprised of the reactions from the environment, specially your buddies girlfriends and wives. If your buddies belong to the same hobo club you DID the women will say something like with longing in their voices “I wish I could get him to dress like that as well” and then they sigh.
Your pales will of course give you a hard time and tease you, no one likes change. No worries, this is just temporary.
I belonged to a local hobo club until couple of years ago and the above reactions is what I experienced. I have to stress, if you decide to upgrade your wardrobe, buy things you really like and are comfortable wearing. Use some help to pick the right stuff if you’re not sure what you look good in. And if you have money, don’t be stingy, usually quality costs. I personally prefer clothes without brand name logos like the one with the sombrero wearing gardner on a donkey with a swinging rake in his hand or similar.
If you worked out for a while and developed broader shoulders and wider back than the average guy it could be a problem to find a blazer off the self that fits good. One way to do with this to get a bigger size. I usually buy a bigger size and “short” which has shorter arms and total length. If it’s getting to big around the waist it’s easy to adjust. Maybe your mother or mother-in-law is handy with the sewing machine. It doesn’t solve the problem entirely but it’s the best you can do without going taylor made.
Now, you need to take care of your new quality clothing. I suggest wash it your self, short cycle and at 30 degrees, low spin. Because most of the times you just need to wash out the sweat Do not wash your dress shirts with your kids muddy pants at 60 degrees for 1,5 hours.
I hope I got you something to think about, If you have a significant other in your life please discuss it with her.
... to be continued with part lll (and last)
I have friends who are complaining about that their spouses aren’t up for it often enough. We’re talking about guys who would like to have sex with their better halves three, four times a week and their wives are up for it once or twice month.
A big problem in compatibility, right? Which could lead to a lot of friction and anger, many times it does spill over to other areas and it could infect the whole relationship.
In this post I’ll present ways to improve your relationship with your better half by improve your appearance, smell, and as a bonus you will get more sex, hopefully. It requires a big chunk of self-awareness and a will to change. Are you up for the challenge?
First you need to look out through your wife’s/girlfriend’s window. Would you have hot passionate sex with yourself (No, playing with your self doesn’t count as hot passionate sex.) consider how you look, dress, and smell today? This is just your appearance, the cover of the book, but important. It could make the difference getting your wife turned on or turned off on top of everything else.
If you have been together for five, ten years or even longer things could get a bit boring. You might have gained 30-50 pounds. You dress the same as you did fifteen, twenty years ago, maybe even worse. A ten year old faded promotional t-shirt and track pants. You think after shave/eau de toilet isn’t needed because you not going out to meet new women. You’re safe in your relationship and don’t really make an effort to look and smell good. As a rational to that you might say; “why should I make an effort when my wife at home is walking around in baggy jogging pants, grannie undies, undone hair, sweatshirt and crocs?”
You should! And by modeling you don’t need to nag your wife which might have the opposite effect and lead to irritation. You should show, lead the way and your wife will follow, maybe not immediately but be patient. That’s human behavior AND wait with buying her those sexy lingerie until she happy to use it. That is one of the last steps. If you skip steps it most likely will backfire. Now, I’ll address these three areas more in detail.
1. Your weight
Let’s start by looking at your weight, do you need to loose weight? We are not talking about 10- 15 pounds here, no if you way 20 pounds or more than you should it could be a contributing factor if you get to exercise enough in the bedroom or not. We are all different how we feel about our partner’s weight gain. Some don’t mind it and for others it is a big turn off. This isn’t easy to discuss, very sensitive area for most people.
The best way is to be honest and tactful. Pick a good time to discuss it, when you both can sit down without getting interrupted. Your better half doesn’t want to hurt your feelings so it could be hard for her to be honest. If you’re the only one with the extra cushioning around the waist you start the talk by saying something like: “I would like do discuss my weight and it’s important that you are honest.” Then you could ask her what she thinks in general about your extra pounds. She might view her concerns about your health and avoid to answer if it’s a problem for her in bed. You both walking on a thin line her so whatever she says don’t get offended, remember you asked and would like to get more sex and improve you relationship. As I mentioned before you need self awareness and don’t begin this discussion until you’re ready.
This could lead to a great motivator for you to loose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle.
Hair & Nails
How is your hair and beard, are you well groomed? Does it reflect that you bother even if you have long hair or and a big beard? I met an former friend whom I haven't seen for twenty years. The first thing he did was to make an comment that I had a mustache. I responded by comment that he had a full beard. He said; "oh, it will be shaved off soon". This guy is single, has no intension to meet a woman and he doesn't bother to shave every day. He just let it grow and shaves it off every second or third week.
If you work with your hands and get dirty, do you clean your hands and finger nails properly after work?
...to be continued
Yesterday I read in a Swedish newspaper that a TV channel decided not to air an episode of a dating show because the host joked and asked the male contestants a question about the women. He asked ; "Who was born a male? In today's society at least in Sweden you can't joke anymore about minority groups and especially not about people who felt they been born in the wrong body and had sex-change surgery, this also includes:gays, lesbians and trans-sex individuals. Personally, I don't see this being spectacular. Why is it made so sensitive? If this is the way it is, so what. Let the person become happy and accept them for whom they want to be, don't make a big deal about it.
This is where the problem is, there are people who like to butt in and decide what is okay and acceptable and what is not.. You have to be mainstream or you're weird, and weird becomes a threat. The threat should be eliminated and it's easy to justify, to blame "they". Throughout history minority groups has been blamed for whatever is convenient for the day. Nowadays we have the extreme rightwing extremists who spreading their alternative facts (hate) and call everything from main media fake news. Have a look who what's going on in Poland, Hungary, and the result of the Italian election which took place in March. All over Europe intelligent and highly educated people is voting and supporting rightwing clowns. This because they feel the politicians has failed and betrayed them. Not a single European country is willing to talk to their fellow members of the European Union and say "Listen, we have these refugees coming and we have to divid them equally between us, how do we do this? And who's going to talk to the two morons in Russia and U.S.? Guys, the war in Syria has to end." No, this apparently makes to much common sense. And no one seems really interested to do this...
Instead we have people like Trump's former chief strategist Steve Bannon who has travelled around Europe to meet people who shares his opinion and worse... He wants to establish platforms like Breitfart, sorry, Breitbart to spread their messages No, not everything and everyone need to be "in the middle". BUT if you're spreading lies with the intention to brainwash gullible teens and others who don''t no better. you're doing mankind an enormous disfavor. Shame on you! The lies will create hate. Hates leads to war, from within neighborhoods to global genocides. I was exposed to this first hand myself. I had a friend who was/is one of this rightwing extremists. We shared the interest of archery and we hang out for a little less than a year before I couldn't stand his company. He was full of hate and controversy, said all these bad things about immigrants, liberals, basically who wasn't like Trump or worse.. He was an immigrant himself his dad was an immigrant. and he had relatives who died in the holocaust. He had been married to an immigrant from a different culture. Like many of these people he is denying and deflecting. You can't reason with them.
Just the other day I discussed this with a friend who is a professor in political philosophy. We came to the conclusion what happened in Germany during 20s, 30s, and 40s could happen again, and it is actually happening as you read this in other countries, so far in smaller extent but it's going on in: Africa, Middle East, Europe, North America, South America, Asia, and Australia. Everywhere! The lies and hate is spreading and someone needs to be blamed...
What some immigrants bring with them like female circumcisions, honor killings, child marriages, and other culture related female discriminating traditions are areas that the western politicians have failed to address, failed enormously. What we in Western countries have to remember is that 75% of the worlds population have a collectivistic view of life. This mean that the individual him or herself doesn't decide what to do.. A decision is made by the family with influence from the patriarch of the family.
Because of the way politicians have dealt with their countries during the last 30 - 40 years we have seen and seeing a rise of rightwing extremists and also muslim extremists. In Sweden couple of imams are allowed to spread their hate against Jewish people and others without any or minor consequences. Again, this is used by the other side to spread hate about all muslims, and it's goes on and on.
Back to the sexual minority groups we call lgbtq. Personally, I believe that anyone belonging to this group don't want to be treated differently, no, I think most people wants to be treated like everyone else, not better, not worse. I have noticed lately in other situations as well that many minority groups have an association which is suppose to represent them. Yes, suppose to, but they seem to have their on agenda, not represent what the members actually want. Basically they act like many political parties. Unfortunately we're seeing what that is leading to.
I would like to share with you what happened to me the last month,.I've been brushed with death twice.
First, I was out riding my motorcycle with a friend, he rode his bike. On a long straight an oncoming car suddenly turn left in front of us. My friend slammed into the side of the car I didn't have any time to react, didn't even touch my breaks. I passed at the front of the car with about 10-15 cm(4-6") to spare... We had an guardian angle looking out for us. My friend "only" broke both his wrists severely and couple of fingers. Additionally, he banged up is right shoulder. It could have ended much worse for both of us.
Second, after my years in Canada I'm not in contact with many people. I've kept in contact with a friend, we usually speak 2-3 times a year and exchange emails. When I talked to him in August he said he had some stomach problems, and the doctors was checking him out. I tried to call him during the Christmas holidays but couldn't get hold of him. In February his sister sent me an message (from his cell) and I called her back asap. My friend passed away in colon cancer December 17, 53 year old. For some reason he didn't tell me the seriousness of his illness. His sister said he didn't like to tell anyone. By the time I talked to him in the summer she said he already had been diagnosed and it had spread to the liver. I wished he had told me so we could have met a last time and said goodbye.
He was a bachelor, worked hard at his two businesses with little time off. Fort the last fives years he talked about selling and to do something else and travel; visit me, hike in the Pyrenees, and travel around Europe. Always something came up and he didn't execute his plans... And now he's dead and buried...at age 53...
These two events (for lack of a better word) have shaken me up profoundly..They have made me think how I live my life; what is important, what to prioritize, and who you like to spend time with. As my friend Steven said; "it helps you to cut though the fog".
How would you live your life if you had a year left?
Sylva Sokolovsky 1964-2017 Rest In Peace my friend
Take care of yourself!
I have been living outside Sweden since 1997 and I have friends I had for 25, 35, and 40 years. This doesn't take care of it self. Friendships are like marriages, you give, take and compromise. It not equal all the time. During some periods lump sided and then it shifts, like teeter-totter. This is the way it should be and because that the way life is. The problem here is if it doesn't shift, it doesn't swing back and forth. You feel that you giving away half your loaf of bread and only get crumbs back, for years. Personally, I have begun to feel this lately with couple of old friends and I have to deal with it when I'm going back to Sweden next time. Because it's like a pebble in my shoe and it's annoying me.
The dilemma here could be that two people see their friendship differently. Your friend are happy with a more superficial way of socializing and you want to have a deeper relationship. This usually works for awhile, sometimes for your years before its start to "squeak", As we get older circumstances change, some study for years, others begin to work. We develop new interests and drop others. All this could be tough to keep a friendship going. 20-30 years down the road you could be two different people comparing with when you first met. How to deal it?
It's not easy. Do you only have the past in common? if you feel that you constantly get the short straw here. I suggest you sit down and discuss with your friend how you are feeling about your friendship without putting any ultimatum. Most likely your friend will understand you and promise he/she will change. This won't happen! Most likely, because your friend has just so much time and unfortunately you are not high up on the priority list even if good intentions are there and the he or she would sincerely like to spend more time with you.. For a person to change his or her priorities is rare, usually a life changing event has to occur for the person to sit down and really reevaluate life. Another way is about one and a half to two years of weekly therapy to change the personality, which requires a lot of willpower and motivation. Your old friend might be married to a very demanding and controlling spouse. You can't never compete with that. I have actually lost a very good friend this way.
You might have to lower your expectations and enjoy the time you get without demanding more. It's better than than nothing. I told you this is not easy and could become awkward if not handling the right way.
I have been living in three different countries besides Sweden where I was born, raised, and spent my first 32 years. During my years abroad I have noticed it's a great differences how people persive friendship and how much they are willing to put in. What is culturally accepted and not, the unwritten rules how to behave. In Sweden, according my experience it's not common to go to good friends' parents funeral. In Israel if your parent passes away even your motorcycle mechanic take time off and come to the funeral which usually take place the same day or the day after the death. The same scenario with weddings, in Sweden it's quite rare to invite coworkers and in Israel you invite many people from the village you live in and even your plumber. Canada, I would say is somewhere between these two extremes. I dislike the Swedish way. It feels cold and uncaring and some ways. Unfortunately, as I mentioned, it's a cultural thing which won't change easily.
So, what kind of friend are you and what do your friends mean to you?
Another year past by, where are you comparing with January 2017? Better, worse, or roughly the same? Let this coming year be a year you implement some change in your life. What do you want to change, improve, do less of, spend more time doing? Think about the following areas: work, family, friends, partner, and personal development.
What can you do so you in January of 2019 you can say; during 2018 I changed x, spent more time with y, and begin with z. It requires that you sit down and make a list what you like to change, make a simple plan with long term and shot term goals.
What is crucial here is to look at your time available, you might have to prioritize and compromise and what you want to do. If you like to implement to many changes at once it most likely will lead to a total collapse of your plan, so be realistic, and patient. I can't stress enough to be patient even if it takes one year or 5-7 to get where you like to be it's worth it. Keep your focus on you goal and also what you need to do today to get there later!
A warning; people around you might not be very supportive about your change, plans, and your goals. This is only natural human behavior, people many times don't want others to change and if you begin to do something new it will take time before friends and family get used to the "new you" and adapt. Do NOT get annoyed, of course if people don't come around and are willing to accept what you are doing, you need to sit down and talk to them. Others, people in the outskirts of your life you might loose.
This biggest risk her to fail isn't the people around you, no it's you! Your procrastination and lack of motivation which will go up and down during this process. It will at times feel tough, discouraging, and the devil on your left shoulder tries to rationalize why you shouldn't do it now or why you should do that instead. DO NOT listen to him! Try do one thing each day which move you forward in the right direction, towards your goal. It could be skipping the third cookie, walk for 15 minutes even if your plan is to walk for one hour. Do you want to spend more time with your children; Get home early on Tuesday and take them out for ice-cream at four. This, they will remember and appreciate 25 years from now, not if they got the latest phone or new designer pants.
With this I would like to empathize that you have to change the way you think. It doesn't matter what I'm suggesting or anybody else is telling you. It has to come from yourself or it won't be done! My work is to help you to "unblock" yourself so you are able to see why you doing or not doing a specific task. Only when you get it a gradual long lasting change can occur in your life. One step at the time...on step at the time!
Set backs, they will happen, a set back it doesn't mean you have to start from scratch again. It's just a bump in the road. You stand up again, brush the dust off and keep going, and keep going.
Good Luck with 2018!
When you are looking back, where are you comparing with a year ago? If you are at the same place as last year and happy with it , good. If you haven't moved forward in spite of wanting to do so you should have a look what you can do to create positive changes in your life. This is a old saying but so true. Even the longest journey starts with one step. Don't try to do a lot of things at once, begin with one small thing. For example if you are tired of your work and want to something else. Sit down with paper and pen, yes not a tablet or computer. Write down what you like to do instead. Does it mean you need to get back to school in one form or another? On a more personal level, are you involved with someone who isn't good for you or you are together just because it's convenient, do yourself and the other person a favor and end it if you aren't able to change it. If you're in abusive relationship; psychologically or/and physical and can't get out. Get help! Maybe you have an old friendship that is only draining and don't give you anything. It's hard to break these off, many times it works itself out. You slowly drift apart.
I suggest make 2018 to the year you make a new friend and get a new hobby, both will change your life to the better.
Continue to make a plan how to get where you want to do, to get to your main goal. This could be a year, or 5-6 years from now. It's crucial to have a plan with steps how to get where you want to go.. Don't beat yourself up if you occasionally loose momentum so long as you slowly are moving forward. The Japanese word kaizen means moving forward. Move forward, even if it's with baby steps.!Try to put down short term goals and it perfectly alright to have modest goals.
It is holiday times and I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy Healthy 2018!
- Chris (IronCouch.com)
It doesn't matter if it is 10 kilo grams or 100 (22-222 pounds). It's all about changing habits. A diet could be a good start to boost the shedding but NEVER a permanent solution.
Look at your habits, write down what you eat during a normal day and a weekend day. Do remember everything including alcohol and every throat candy you eat during the day.
Take a look at how much do you exercise actively for the sake of exercise and the natural one; maybe you walk a lot at work, do gardening etc. Then decide where you can do to eat healthier alternatives. and move around more.
The best way do get long lasting results is to do things gradually with a plan and goals. If you would like to loose 20 kilo grams (about 45 pounds) plan to loose about 1-2 pounds/week. Remember, the escess
It's easier said than done. Sometimes we do things and we rationalize it's the right thing to do. Deep inside, a gut-feeling or a deep emotional sensation telling us it's not the right decision.
My guru when it comes to psychotherapy is Irvin Yalom, an American psychiatrist and psychotherapist. In the past he lead group therapy for terminal ill cancer patients. Several patients told him that; It's too bad I have to be dying before I understand how to live life. And similar things when they reflected on the life they lived. I have thought long and hard on this myself and slowly making changes in my life. We all have habits which isn't good for us, meaning not ending or fixing idle relationships, and nurture others more, really looking into what we consider important to us, is it crucial or is it just a habit which tagged along and should have been terminated long time ago? During life we develop relationships that sometimes just idle, that's fine if all involved are happy with it. If one part wants more than the other it becomes a problem which could be nagging like a people in the shoe and eventually feel like a nail in the foot. If the latter happens the lid can fly off and one can become too emotional, loose control and things can be said in the heat of the moment. I advice you to deal with the problem, person when it's still "a pebble". Personally, I have couple of "pebbles" which I haven't attend the way I should, long overdue. Face it, it's not easy to confront others and the toughest one to confront is ourself, but sooner or later it's need to be done.
-All the best, Chris (Ironcouch.com)
Husband, Father, Friend Swedish, Canadian, Psychology, Health, Exercise, Archery, Drumming, Carving, Motorcycles